peskypippi.comBecause I have a lot to say…

In other words, are you a shatterer-of-dreams? How you react to and answer other people may be telling.

Take some of these questions my kids asked me this week. If you answer #2, you just might be an asshole.

Do clouds taste like cotton candy?

1. Yes. And I bet rainbows taste like fruity cotton candy. Yum!
2. No. Cloud are made out of water molecules. Not sugar and air.

Are fairies real?

1. Yes. I hope that someday soon, I can have a tea party with a fairy under a toadstool.
2. No. Fairies are fake.

I’m going to marry ice cream. Are you?

1. Yes. I will marry mint chocolate chip.
2. What a stupid question. I am already married to your father.

If I were rich, I’d buy all the Legos in the world.

1. That is so cool! I love Legos!
2. Once you hit 13, you will probably be sick of Legos.

Or take some of these statements I have made recently. Again, if you answer #2, you know the drill.

I’m going to start selling my famous banana bread online.

1. That’s a great idea! Your banana bread is delicious.
2. That sounds like a lot of work. And you won’t make much money.

It’s always been a dream of mine to open a pie shop. I could call it Pippi’s Pie Shop.

1. How fun! I would totally visit. I love pecan pie.
2. Don’t quit your day job. Restaurants always fail.

 I just got a puppy!

1. I can’t wait to meet him!
2. What were you thinking?!

I love convertibles. Someday, I’ll buy a bright, cheery yellow one.

1. When you get one, let’s go for a ride!
2. How stupid is that? You live where it rains nine months out of the year.

With your asshole-like responses, you just might be shattering the other person’s dreams or wishes. Instead, how about a slice of dreamy pie, with a side of cloud?

I love kids and their gazillion questions.

My son asks while running down a hill, “Is a horse faster than a car?”

“Uh yeah, horses are fast,” I blurted out. Magic answer. Quick answer. That’s all he wanted to hear. Hell if I know.

Then I went home and looked it up. Dang, I was wrong. According to Wikipedia:

Any car in good working order is faster than a horse on a good road. The top speed of a race horse is around 40 mph and that is only for a few miles. Horses can go where cars can not and so would be faster if crossing streams and jumping gullies and hedges is needed.

But sometimes kids need magical answers. My child was running like a horse. In that moment in time, he was a horse.

Wikipedia and your boring facts: you can suck it.

“Can You Fit Into the Booth?”…and other funky questions they ask you at restaurants.

Today, I lunched with my friends after soccer (soccer as in football for my global friends). Yeah, we are a bunch of jocks. Hungry jocks.

In we walked into this Thai restaurant. The five of us were sweaty and a little crazy. Giddy from scoring so many goals, ya know? The restaurant was totally empty and we could basically sit anywhere. We eyed the booth. The hostess/waitress had other plans for us: the dreaded table out in the open by the kitchen.

“Nah,” I said, “We’d like the booth please.”

She goes, “Can you fit into the booth?” Say what??

We’re like, “Yeah we can fit.” And to ourselves, we’re like: we  just worked out; if we’re too big for a booth, maybe we should order a salad. With the dressing on the side. Gotta watch those carbs. Seriously? Way to sell us a three-course meal by insinuating that we are too large.

But it was probably just a case in lost in translation. Because she suggested drinks (yes!) and appetizers (no way!)

Oh, and by the way, booths are my all-time favorite places to sit. Love the vinyl bench seat. Love cozying up to my buddies—my  sweaty, stinky buddies.

Here are other questions that bug me at restaurants:

1. “So, will it just be the two of you?” Uh, yeah. Ya got a problem with that? The other day, my husband and I took our son out for lunch and the hostess asked exactly that. “So, just the three of you.” Why yes, isn’t three good enough for you?  And what if you went out solo? Hostesses, bet ya didn’t know you needed to be more aware of your line of questioning, did ya?
2. “Is everything tasting OK?” And you think, yeah, it tastes OK. Not great, not the best ever. But OK.
3. “Can I take your plate or are you still working on that?” when there’s like ratty old carrot left. And the fork is resting on the plate. Gee, no, I’m going to pick up the plate and lick it. You know how you should respond?

“Can you please box up the rest?”

If I keep eating like that, I just might be able to fit into the booth the next time…

Does this outfit/dress/blouse/sweater/pair of jeans/jacket make me look fat?

Chances are. Yes. We know when we look in the mirror if we are feeling confident with our looks and our choices in outfits. So why do we waste our time asking our husbands/boyfriends/partners if we look fat or not.

If your buttons are gaping; your sleeves dig into your arms; your muffin top runneth over; or you’re just not skinny enough for skinny jeans, then don’t even ask.

Do we really need men to validate our looks and reassure us (even with a fake), “Nah, Sweetie, you look GREAT.” Yeah, kinda.

Here are six more questions that should just be left unasked:

1. Do I have more wrinkles than last year?
2. Do you like my hair better short or long?
3. Where do you want to go for dinner?
4. Do you think the banana bread was dry?
5. How do you like the new outfit I just bought?
6. I bought a new lamp. Do you like it?

Why bring attention to inferior beauty problems? Why focus on the negatives? Why call attention to the extra money spent?

Instead, look in the mirror and smile at yourself. And answer your own questions:

1. Put on the wrinkle cream in private.
2. Wear that new hairstyle with sass—whether short or long.
3. Pick a restaurant that serves beer on draught; he’ll be happy.
4. If you think the banana bread is dry, smear a little butter on it and maybe some peach jam and serve it with a smile. And a glass of water.
5. Wear the new outfit with confidence and save the “outfit talk” for your girlfriends.
6. Give the old lamp to Goodwill. Without a word. He may not even notice.

Some of this “talky talk” is better saved for girlfriends. Or not. Sometimes you may not really want to know what they really think either.

How can you not have a sense of humor raising children? I laugh every day. I am grossed out every day. I am (a teensy bit) inappropriate every day.

Latest questions, comments, and other utterings in our house:

• “Mom, I think there’s a piece of sausage in my milk.”
• “No farting on the sofa. Take it outside.”
• “Are hot dogs made out of penises?” Google it.

Oh, and this one was from me. Just the other day:

• Where are my pants?!”

We taught our youngest the word I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E and explained what it means. How some behavior is inappropriate at school. Or how some words are inappropriate to say to others.

But if a tight family cannot be a little inappropriate in its own home, then where’s the fun in that?