Everyone Poops

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Posted by peskypippi | Posted in Books, Childhood, Childrearing, Family, Happiness, Life | Posted on 19-03-2017

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One of our favorite family books is Everyone Poops.

In case you don’t know this book, it should be part of every young child’s library. The book tells about how all living creatures, big and small, poop. Even insects. Even snakes.

My children and I have the lines memorized:

“A one hump camel makes a one hump poop. And a two hump camel makes a two hump poop. Just kidding.”

Publishers Weekly gave the book a horrible review, “Okay, so everyone does it–does everyone have to talk about it?”

Yes!

It’s fun to poop! It’s fun to talk about poop! Poop is part of life!

And don’t we, as parents, want to raise our children to be happy and confident pooper?

The review goes on to say, “Call it what you will, by euphemism or by expletive, poop by any name seems an unsuitable picture book subject.”

Unsuitable to whom?

Unsuitable to people who have no sense of humor, obviously.

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One Fine Day

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Posted by peskypippi | Posted in Dogs, Help, Humor | Posted on 23-02-2016

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One fine day. Also known as the day diarrhea sprayed over the entire living room carpet.

It began as a glorious day. Then quickly turned to shit.

Literally.

I came home and was greeted by that smell. I followed the stench and soon spotted a diarrhea lake on the carpet, right in front of the fireplace. How cozy.

Because we don’t have enough hardwood floors to diarrhea on.

I sprang into immediate action! I first yelled at Otis and sent him outside. Poor Otis, getting yelled at, on top of a sick belly.

Hauling over a bucket of warm water, I began scooping up liquid poop with a washcloth. Gagging all the while. Scoop, rinse, gag, repeat.

The smell! The endless pile! I felt sorry for myself and began to weep.

After 20 minutes, the carpet slowly turned from dark brown to light brown. Time for Tide and suds. I generously poured Tide into a fresh bucket of warm water and began to suds the stain. Scrubbing furiously, this was turning into a workout.

The smell wouldn’t go away. Neither would the stain. I needed more suds. More liquid.

I dragged in the shop vac from the garage. The vacuum sucked up the suds and immediately began overflowing, shooting diarrhea suds, plus rotten wet leaves that had been left in the shop vac, across the entire carpet.

I started bawling and screaming at the mess. I needed some help. Time to call the professionals. “You need extraction,” Gary told me.

The next morning, Gary brought his really long hose (giggle) to steam clean. Within 24 hours of the accident, the carpet was pristine, Otis was feeling better, and I was smiling again. Another fine day.

The first to try out the newly steamed carpets. #Otis

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There is a Good Time to Chase Squirrels and…

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Posted by peskypippi | Posted in Dogs, Encouragement, Exercise, Family Pet, Humor, Life, Little Story, Otis, Pets, Simply Otis | Posted on 05-03-2014

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I have been running with my dog pretty regularly. You know. The famous Simply Otis? You can “like” his Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/SimplyOtis

We run rain or shine. And lately, even in ice. We’re actually trying to log 31 runs for the month of March. Thirty-one days in March, get it? So far, we’re four for four. In your face! But this is not a bragging story. This is an OMG-I-nearly-knocked-the-Porta-Potty-over-because-Otis-decided-to-chase-a-squirrel-while-I-took-a-crap post.

See? Otis and I make the most excellent running duo.

He pulls me, I lag behind.

I talk to him, he listens.

I take pictures of him, he lets me.

He poops, I clean it up.

I poop, and that’s where this story begins.

If you know me, you know I simply love fiber. Beans. Flax. Oats. Dates in my cookies. More beans. More cookies. You can read about how I nearly pooped my pants in this post.

As Hagrid says, “Better out than in, eh Harry?!”

Well. We were running–Otis and I–and I had to go. Like immediately. Fiber just suddenly kicked in. Fortunately, we ran by a park with whaddya know: a Porta Potty.

Hmmm. Do I take Otis in with me? Do I tie him to a tree, just outside the Porta Potty? And risk someone taking him?

I did what I had to do.

Picture this. I crammed myself into the Porta Potty. Me on the inside of the Porta Potty. Otis on the outside. With leash in one hand inside. And Otis at the other end outside. On the other side of the shut door. I closed the door as best I could and proceeded. There I am, squatting. While Otis started pulling my arm, on the other side of the door. And he was pulling. Very. Hard.

He had spotted a squirrel and was raring to go.

I, too, was raring to go. Bad timing!

Otis yanked and was. Leaping. Towards the squirrel. And you know how squirrels are. They’re fast little suckers. And they dash and dart. The one thought that crossed my mind:

“OTIS IS GONNA PULL SO HARD THAT THE PORTA POTTY IS GONNA TOPPLE OVER WITH ME IN IT!!”

Fast forward four seconds.

Fortunately, there was no toppling. Everything came out just fine. (Oh no squirrels were harmed in this story.)

3 for 3! 3 runs in…3 weeks! 🙂

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I Met a Poop Topper

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Posted by peskypippi | Posted in Animals, Dogs, Humor | Posted on 12-02-2014

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You know those people. Those people who one-up you and try to top your stories.

I got a new puppy. Oh yeah, I got two new puppies.

My husband made enchiladas. Oh yeah, my husband bought us tickets to Mexico.

My son got all As and Bs. Oh yeah, my son got all As in AP classes.

Or how about: I’m so tired. I worked all day and feel like I’m coming down with the flu. Oh yeah, I worked all day plus the night shift and have pneumonia. (And then you kinda wish they just go to their sickbed and shut the hell up.)

It’s those kind of people that you wish you never started talking to in the first place. Except for Saturday Night Live’s Kristen Wiig’s Penelope, who one-upped everyone and was hilarious because she was so outrageous:

Lisa: That cat was like a child to her.

Penelope: My cat was my child. I was pregnant with my cat…I gave birth to it sooo I had my cat baby in the hospital and I had my cat baby shower…

The other day, while Otis (my dog) and I were out for a run, he took not one poop, but two poops. It’s a good thing I carry poop bags aplenty. And you thought I just had puffy pockets?

At my half-way point, where I stretch and Otis sniffs, there was a guy and a dog across the street. The dog was pooping.

To be friendly–because all dog owners are reasonably cordial, right?–I holler out, “Ha! My dog pooped twice already on our run!” You know, to be all chatty and all.

And the guy hollers back, “Oh yeah? Twice? My dog pooped four times so far.”

Whaddya know? I met my first poop topper. What do you say to that? (It sucks to be you.) But instead, jovially (with eyes rolling) “Ha! Have fun with that.” And off we ran.

#Otis!

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Run done!

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I Did a Cleanse: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

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Posted by peskypippi | Posted in Advice, Diet, Encouragement, Food | Posted on 04-03-2013

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Yep. I did the Dr. Oz 3-Day Detox Cleanse. You can too. Check it out here:

Basically, you fuel your body with four complete meals a day in the form of smoothies/juices, which contain mostly vegetables and fruits and some fats and some protein. Dr. Oz suggests that by doing this cleanse, you will eliminate harmful toxins, restore your system, and reset your body. Was he right?

I eliminated. I reset. I restored.

This detox cleanse reminded me that I can do ANYTHING for three days. Here are the pros and cons from my experience:

  1. I consumed A LOT of vegetables and fruits. Probably 4x of what I normally consume daily. This was a good reminder to eat more vegetables and fruits daily.
  2. More fiber in, more fiber out. It’s really that simple.
  3. I was hydrated. I peed so much that my pee was clear. (Maybe it was all the green tea and celery acting as a diuretic to flush everything out?)
  4. I learned new ways of making smoothies…such as combining avocado and frozen berries and coconut milk make a pretty damn good faux ice cream.
  5. I was OK for breakfast, lunch, and snack, but by dinner time, I was ready for dinner dinner. Not another smoothie.
  6. I missed chewing my food and I missed hot food.
  7. My sugar cravings were gone. Instead, I was craving a salad or a piece of fish. (I guess that’s the resetting part.)
  8. I lost 5 lbs.
  9. I didn’t feel like I was getting enough protein. Aerobic exercise and cleansing don’t mix that well, at least for me. I tried running one day, elliptical one day, and weights one day. I think that was too much exertion with so little protein. I felt sorta shaky.
  10. I realized I really do hate raw kale. I had to swap the kale for spinach.
  11. Pooping once a day is nice. But pooping twice a day, is twice as nice. And when you consume spinach and berries and flax by the truckload, your poop is quite, uh, colorful. 🙂watermelon poop

 

Oat Bran: Too Much of a Good Thing

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Posted by peskypippi | Posted in Childrearing, Children, Connections, Cookies, Humor, Life Lessons, Mothering, Mothers and Sons, Parenting | Posted on 21-05-2012

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Yes, Virigina, there is such thing as too much oat bran.

Here’s a little story about how I nearly changed my name from Pesky Pippi to Poopy Pippi. If you can’t handle poop talk, better not read on.

It all started out with an innocent batch of cookies. I made Oatmeal-Coconut Chocolate Chip Cookies. And I swapped out all of the flour with oat bran.

Note: Raw coconut and oat bran both are packed with fiber and increase metabolism. A powerful combination.

It was a gorgeous batch of cookies. Chewy. Tasty. Hot out of the oven.

I ate four. I ate seven. OK, I ate nine.

Then it was time to take my daughter to soccer practice. While she practiced, my seven-year-old son and I played on the play structure at the park. Everything was going just swimmingly. We were climbing, jumping, swinging. Just another day at the park.

Then it hit. The oat bran fiber bomb was about to explode.

You know that feeling when you have to poop and there is no toilet nearby? Yeah that. And you start to sweat. And clench. And take baby steps. Fast baby steps to the car.

You call to your son with panic in your voice, “Honey. We have to go NOW. Mommy has to go poop. And it’s an emergency.”

He says, “I know that feeling.” Yeah, he knows. And you know he knows.

You share a brief moment of understanding. I mean, haven’t we all been there?

By this time, you’re halfway to the car and you think you just can’t make it. Things are percolating.

And you are regretting the multitude of cookies you shoveled into your mouth, one hour before.

But your young son takes your hand and you hold it. And you know you HAVE to hold it in to show that you can do it.

You continue to sweat. You swear you’ll never eat another cookie in your life.

You make it to your car and drive frantically. Squeezing your buns all the way to the nearest grocery store, which is 4 minutes away if you make all the green lights. The grocery store becomes a beacon of light, welcoming you. Because you know from experience that the restrooms are clean and at the front of the store.

And you get there and the women’s restroom door is open because a guy is in there cleaning it. “Sorry, Ma’am, this restroom is closed.”

You give him the most helpless look. You feel like the one in Bridesmaids, the one who takes a dump in the sink.

So you stand there. Squeezing. Praying. One minute later he leaves and says, “It’s all yours.” And you want to high-five him, but you’re worried that too much movement will jiggle something loose.

Whew. You make it. And you breath a sigh of relief.

Your son peeks in, curious and eager, “Is everything OK Mom?”

“Yes, everything is OK,” you smile. A big, toothy smile, “Even Mommies nearly poop their pants.”

And he smiles. And understands.

Who knew that a poop emergency could be a life lesson in empathy?

Yum!

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I Love My Dog, But…

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Posted by peskypippi | Posted in Animals, Family Pet, Humor | Posted on 13-04-2012

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I love my dog…but…I don’t love my dog’s butt.

Her butt has the worst timing. She loves to poop while on our walk. Even if she has spent the whole day in the back yard–with a plethora of grass–she’ll save it. Like a present.

Aw, you shouldn’t have…it’s not my birthday, dawg!

A public poop requires you to:

  • Stop (unless it’s a poop while walking, requiring you to backtrack)
  • Sometimes wait…and wait
  • Bend over
  • Put your hand in a plastic bag
  • Pick up the steamy pile
  • Oh yeah, and carry it several blocks home, feeling a teensy bit degraded

It’s amusing to watch other dog owners clean up these presents in public. They get this weird expression on their face, as in “WHY ME?!” And then sheepishly pick it up and walk with the bag in-hand. I have a secret little chuckle as I watch someone carrying that bag. Because everyone knows precisely what’s inside.

But that chuckle quickly fades when we embark on our next walk. 🙂

“I ‘Pretend Poop’ 4X a Day…Just to Sit Down”

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Posted by peskypippi | Posted in Childrearing, Children, Encouragement, Mom Time, Mothering | Posted on 15-12-2011

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When I saw this Tweet from my new friend @mamaPSU, I laughed. Then I thought about it.

Mothers of small children don’t have many breaks. With a newborn, it’s difficult to find time to take a shower or find time to work out. (When both are truly needed for self and sanity.)

I remember bringing my infant into the bathroom while I showered. Even if he cried, I would get my hair washed. Forget shaving the legs. Concentrate on clean hair.

I remember trying to squeeze in half an hour on the stationary bicycle. Now if THAT isn’t a crappy enough workout as it is. Let alone, trying to breastfeed WHILE bicycling. Yeah, I’m a known multitasker. 🙂

I also remember taking my infant into a public restroom. What do you do with your infant when you need to go to the bathroom or wash your hands and you’ve left the car carrier and stroller in the car? Do you hand him to a stranger to hold? Do you balance him by the sink and nudge him there with your elbow while you wash one hand at a time?

Just the other day, I went to lunch with my good friend and three of her kids; the youngest is a four-month-old baby. She took the two other children to the bathroom and left me holding baby boy. Since my kids are now 6, 9, and 12, I had sorta forgotten that you need to hold infants ALL THE TIME. And you learn to manage. Eating with one hand. Washing one hand at a time. And so on.

And so, when I read the locking-yourself-in-the-bathroom just to find a few minutes of quiet, and to escape. I thought:

This is something only a mother admits to and something only other mothers relate to.

May we all be Queens of Our “Thrones” for a few minutes for some much-deserved rest.

Poop Talk at the Dinner Table

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Posted by peskypippi | Posted in Children's Books, Family | Posted on 28-10-2011

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Yeah. We talk about poop at our house. All the time. It’s funny. Everybody does it. Poop happens. One of our favorite books: Everyone Poops. That book is the best. You can see animals actually pooping. You can see poop in babies’ diapers. You learn that poop is all different sizes and shapes, even different smells. Love it!

Poop shouldn’t be a taboo subject at home. It should be a topic…at DINNER. Yep, we disgusted my sister-in-law once at dinner because we were talking about poop. She doesn’t have kids. Still doesn’t. Did we scare her off?

Maybe the family that talks about poop openly is more regular. I know one thing: just saying the word out loud makes me crack a smile. (Did I just say “crack?”)

One of my all-time favorite movie lines is in Harry Potter when Hagrid says, “Better out than in.”