Oh, Martha.
Every year, I watch your Halloween specials where you create bats from black spray-painted clothespins, googly eyeballs from painted foam balls, spirited papier-mâché pumpkins, and stenciled votive candles. Your creations are magical.
Last Fall, we watched in awe at your creations. And the creative juices started to flow. We trekked to Michaels to load up on supplies.
- Wooden clothespins
- Foam balls
- Tissue paper
- Votive candle holders
- Paint
- Pipe cleaners
- Craft glue
And a bunch of other crap that totaled $75.
We got home excited. Excited to create the wonders that you created, with such ease.
Fail.
- Spray painting outside in the wind is a bitch.
- Where exactly do you PUT wet foam balls after you’ve painted them, so they can dry?
- Doing papier-mâché in a wet climate means that your pumpkins will get yeast infections.
I opened up our Halloween bins from the attic and discovered last year’s unfinished craft projects. Three dozen black clothespins with no bat bodies, a pack of two dozen votive candles with no stencils, and half-painted eyeballs.
This collection of craft failures was a reminder that:
I suck at crafting.
There will be no pinning of my Martha-esque creations on Pinterest this year. Sigh.
But I staple-gunned eyeball lights across the front of the house. Stuck ghosts in the flower pots. Hung store-bought skeletons from the trees. Draped fake spider webs across the doorway. And displayed our 93 lbs. of pumpkins from the pumpkin patch.
My crafting abilities may suck, but my Halloween spirit?
It’s a good thing.
Don’t host. Just kidding!
I have been around the Thanksgiving table, so to speak, many times. I have hosted Thanksgiving many times. Even to my own mother and to my in-laws (gasp!) And they are particular….wonder where I get it from?
I have learned a few things that you probably do NOT want to do when hosting Thanksgiving.
- Don’t try to channel Martha Stewart. But do steal some of her tips and recipes. Martha is a kitchen fairy with lots of helpers. We copied her last year with her Pureed Butternut Squash recipe. And let me tell you, it was delicious and tasty. But it was a lot of work and you had to stir it constantly. And it took up a whole burner on the stove for hours. And ya know what, the kids hated it. Said it looked like throw up. It just was not worth the hassle for the few compliments it did generate. But if you are stubborn–and I know some of you are–here is the recipe.
http://www.marthastewart.com/312415/pureed-butternut-squash-soup
- Don’t skimp on the pie. If you just have one pumpkin pie to share among everyone at the table: you suck. My motto and ratio for hosting: one pie per person. And who says only apple? We did apple and pecan and I just might do chocolate cream. Who says? Here’s Pesky Pippi’s Perfect Pecan Pie–I mean Martha’s recipe:
http://www.marthastewart.com/312503/pecan-pie
- Don’t forget to take OUT the bag of giblets before cook your turkey. And don’t try to hide them in the stuffing or the gravy. I’ll heat them up for my dog, Lucy, but they are still simply repulsive to look at and eat. In my book.
- Don’t guess how long to cook a turkey; be precise. Buy a thermometer. This is not a good time to spread salmonella or E. coli. We have gone for years guessing. Hmmm, done yet? How about now? And then we have wound up with some well-cooked turkey, that’s for sure. Pass me a glass of water to wash it down (choking).
- Don’t dis the orange-carrot-pineapple Jell-O mold. Traditions are awesome. And this colorful dish kicks ass.
- Don’t be shy about offering several kinds of cranberry. My husband and kids love the smooth, formed kind from the can. My father-in-law likes the chunky kind from the can. My mother and I like the cranberry relish my grandmother used to make. You chop up a bag of fresh cranberries, add bits of fresh oranges, chopped pecans, and sugar to taste. Set it aside the morning of (or the night before). It’s beautiful and fresh. I cannot have Thanksgiving without it.
- Don’t forget to let the rolls rise…early. Craptastic: last year I bought fancy rolls instead of the crescent rolls that you bake in like seven minutes. I thought, oh, I’ll just throw them in the oven at the last minute. Come to find out, they required rising and sitting and rising and… So at Thanksgiving last year? No rolls.
- Don’t dump flour into the turkey drippings and expect beautiful, lumpless gravy. Now, this I learned from–again–Martha. She told me to make a roux. As in, take a little bit of turkey drippings into a separate bowl, add a bit flour to help thicken, stir, THEN add into the pan of drippings and heat. I have made Pesky Pippi’s Perfect Gravy without fail every time. So good, just give me a straw! Oh, and throw in onions, parsnips, turnips, carrots, celery in with the turkey while baking. And the flavors sorta ooze into the drippings. (Another Martha tip.)
- Don’t send guests home with leftovers. Hello, turkey sandwiches on Friday!
- Don’t stress too hard. I actually HATE when people tell me this, because I am a stresser. But you are not Martha Stewart–unless Ms. Stewart, you are reading this–and it’s more about togetherness than if the gravy has horrific lumps.
- Don’t forget to partake. Anything goes great with turkey: wine, beer, beer, wine. And with the pressures of cooking and serving and worrying, “Dang, did I overcook the turkey AGAIN?” it’s also time to chill and be with family and friends.
- Don’t forget to lighten up. The most important thing: be thankful that you have food on the table and you have loved ones to share it with. Regardless of how it looks or how it tastes. Remember how Charlie Brown had toast at his Thanksgiving spread?
Happy Thanksgiving!
