peskypippi.comBecause I have a lot to say…

We were hot 21-year-olds. My boyfriend and I were in college. No curfew. We could go to night clubs.

We oozed hotness.

It was Halloween night. A party at a club. We were SO there.

The doors opened at 7:30 p.m. So, yeah, we were there on time.

Mistake.

Apparently, the cool peeps arrive at 10:00 p.m. or later. Even on a Tuesday.

Oh. Oops.

Have you ever been to a club early? The DJ hadn’t yet arrived. When crowds of people don’t fill the dance floor, you notice the dinginess. And how echo-y it is.

At least we were set costume-wise.

My boyfriend was Frankenstein. He was tall. His face and neck and arms were painted green. Hair died black and gelled just so. A fake bolt went through his neck. His too-short blazer purchased at Goodwill was perfectly Frankenstein.

I was the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Black dress and hat. My face and neck and arms were painted green. Fake warts on my nose. Pointy hat. The accent? I had it down, my little pretty.

We were Team Green.

A couple of drinks. Chit chat.

A couple of hours later, the slutty nurses started to arrive. Along with the Playboy bunnies. And French maids in boustiers. Pirates wearing patches and little else.

We were clearly overdressed.

Too green, I guess.

New to the club scene.

Oh and it took like three showers to scrub the green out of our skin.

Oh, Martha.

Every year, I watch your Halloween specials where you create bats from black spray-painted clothespins, googly eyeballs from painted foam balls, spirited papier-mâché pumpkins, and stenciled votive candles. Your creations are magical.

Last Fall, we watched in awe at your creations. And the creative juices started to flow. We trekked to Michaels to load up on supplies.

• Wooden clothespins
• Foam balls
• Tissue paper
• Votive candle holders
• Paint
• Pipe cleaners
• Craft glue

And a bunch of other crap that totaled $75.

We got home excited. Excited to create the wonders that you created, with such ease.

Fail.

• Spray painting outside in the wind is a bitch.
• Where exactly do you PUT wet foam balls after you’ve painted them, so they can dry?
• Doing papier-mâché in a wet climate means that your pumpkins will get yeast infections.

I opened up our Halloween bins from the attic and discovered last year’s unfinished craft projects. Three dozen black clothespins with no bat bodies, a pack of two dozen votive candles with no stencils, and half-painted eyeballs.

This collection of craft failures was a reminder that:

I suck at crafting.

There will be no pinning of my Martha-esque creations on Pinterest this year. Sigh.

But I staple-gunned eyeball lights across the front of the house. Stuck ghosts in the flower pots. Hung store-bought skeletons from the trees. Draped fake spider webs across the doorway. And displayed our 93 lbs. of pumpkins from the pumpkin patch.

My crafting abilities may suck, but my Halloween spirit?

It’s a good thing.

Once Halloween is over, I say bring on the Christmas music. In the car. In the kitchen. On my computer, using Pandora radio.

Love it! Here are my six favorite Christmas songs:

• Carol of the Bells. The kids literally have to be shut their traps when this is playing. They can sing along, but all bickering must stop. They know now to “SSSSHHH, this is Mom’s favorite!” I have trained them well. I don’t care which version is on, this is my all-time favorite that gives me goose bumps.

• It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas…love the classic Johnny Mathis song.

• O Holy Night. Again, goose bumps.

• Winter Wonderland…love the Louis Armstrong version. Even if I rarely have a snowy Christmas, it’s still a magical song.

• Have a Holly Jolly Christmas…who doesn’t love Burl Ives?

• All I Want for Christmas is You. I hate to admit that I like Mariah Carey a teensy bit. But oh let me tell you. Sometimes you attach a song to a memory and, well, a few years ago I had a health scare around the holidays and all I really wanted for Christmas was to be healthy again and spend time with my family. So there you go. It’s so easy to take things for granted.

I like all Christmas music. The classics. The hispter “coffee house collections.” Even gaggy Mannheim Steamroller. Even George Michael.

Bring on the Christmas tunes!

Just don’t play them past December 26.

The next time you visit the doctor’s office, ditch the big panties (knickers), eh sister?

We know that nurses love to weigh us first thing when we visit the doctor. I wonder: do they have a secret giggle when they see our reaction to the number on the scale?

Heck, I don’t care if I take an extra minute—while the nurse is WAITING—to take off my shoes before stepping onto the scale. I have very heavy shoes.

And I take off my sweater. And my belt. And my earrings. These items can weigh a few lbs. At least.  (How do you convert lbs. into metrics for my global readers? Don’t ask me. I am no math whiz). My earrings ALONE—especially my J-Lo silver hoops—can weigh several ounces (metric conversion please?)

And the large panties (knickers)? Note: Ya might want to switch the Granny Panties to something a little, uh, lighter. Maybe not a thong because those are kinda weird at your annual check-up. Right? But for sure, wear a pair of those teensy panties (knickers). They only weigh a few ounces.

I read a similar post from @MeWaistingTimeBlog.com about “Those Five Dreaded Words:” http://waistingtimeblog.com/2011/04/22/those-five-dreaded-words/

And I hate those metal, old-fashioned scales. You know, the kind with the metal blocks that move in 50 lbs. increments. And when the nurse moves them lower, you’re like, “YES!” and then when the nurse moves them higher, you’re like, “CRAP!”

But I’d rather have a metal, old-fashioned scale than a digital scale at my doctor’s visit. Because with the old-fashioned kind, there is a little room for interpretation. Digital scales don’t lie.

But secretly, you can lie to yourself that those little panties (knickers) you are wearing weigh about 15 lbs. 15 lbs. of pure sexiness!

Wondering what to do with all of that extra Halloween candy? What? You ate it all? If you did, this recipe is not for you.

But if your kids’ Halloween candy loot is still plentiful, rummage through and grab about 20 “fun size” Snickers, 3 Musketeers, and Milky Ways. Chop them up into little pieces and set aside. (By the way, why do they call them fun size anyway? You eat them in two bites and then bam, the party is over.)

Now you’re ready to rock Pippi’s Positively Pleasant Halloween Candy Cookie Recipe. (Say that three times. Now, say it three times with a mouthful of Snickers. Not so easy, is it?)

Ingredients:

• 1 cup softened butter
• ½ cup white sugar
• 1 ½ cup brown sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 ½ teaspoons vanilla
• 2 ½ cups flour
• ¾ teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• about 16-20 miniature candy bars chopped up

Note: You can certainly use more candy bars if you like to nibble when food-prepping. J

What to do:

• Preheat oven to 350°
• In a mixing bowl, cream together butter, sugars, vanilla, eggs
• In another bowl, mix together dry ingredients
• Combine the wet and dry ingredients
• Mix in the chopped-up candy
• Plop spoonfuls onto parchment-lined baking sheet
• Bake for about 8-9 minutes. Take out before you think they look done and allow to cool. Otherwise, you will burn the crap out of your tongue and that is never a good thing.

Oh, and don’t go on Facebook or Twitter while you are baking, as you will likely burn a tray or two. Like I did. Just now.

Calorie count? Well, consider this. You are combining candy + cookies. Sometimes it’s just best not to know.

With our political correctness, we have obliterated Halloween in our elementary schools. And that’s a shame. When I was a kid (OK, that was decades ago, don’t rub it in), we joyfully donned costumes and marched around at recess in the school’s Halloween parade. It was a spectacle and a celebration. And it was great fun. Your mask would get all sweaty inside. Someone would step on your cape. And maybe you accidentally peed through your costume.

What child can concentrate in school on Halloween anyway? With visions of Snickers and Twizzlers and Tootsie Roll pops dancing in their heads?

We can’t even utter the word Halloween in schools. Let alone have a party. It’s “pumpkin party” or “harvest party.” I say, boo. Hello? It’s like not acknowledging the elephant in the room. It’s Halloween, for goodness sake. SAY it. (Is this the holiday that will not be named? Ala Voldemort?)

So, no costumes or parades. And certainly no parties with cupcakes with spiders on them or punch with floating gummy worms. No sugar.

And if it’s no sugar and absolutely no peanuts (these days), then that means no Snickers. And in my book, that gets a failing grade.

Halloween rocks. It’s a wonderful holiday for kids and families. Here are three reasons why I love Halloween:

1. It’s a chance for kids to be creative. Costumes, masks, make-up, capes, hats, swords. It’s a chance to be a little different. Or be Justin Bieber. Whatever the creation, it’s a chance for kids to use their imaginations and maybe push the envelope.

2. It connects kids and families to their community. In our modern day world where we are losing connections and trust, trick-or-treating on Halloween night helps to build back a little faith in our connections, one Snickers at a time.

3. It helps kids embrace their fears. Sure, Halloween exposes the dark side. But death is part of life. And a little scary–bats, tombstones, spiders, witches, ghouls, skeletons, zombies, goblins–is a little fun. By the way, what the heck is a goblin anyways?

I’m tired of all the Halloween nay-sayers. They are turning their backs on traditions that began in the Middle Ages. That’s 2,000 years ago! Historians tell us that Halloween goes back to an ancient Celtic festival celebrating the end of the harvest season on October 31. For them, this marked a transition time. Light and darkness. Life and death. Historians believe that the deceased would come back to life and cause havoc. Masks and costumes were worn to appease the evil spirits and scare off ghosts.

The tradition of “trick-or-treating” possibly originated, again, when the Celtic people left food on their doorsteps for the spirits who came around, to prevent them from entering their homes. Others believe that the British handed out “soul cakes” on All Souls’ Day, a holiday observed on November 2 to commemorate the deceased.

In Mexico, El Dia de los Muertos (the Day of the Dead) is celebrated whereby the spirits of the dead visit their families. Instead of fearing the dead, the Mexican culture embraces death, and the dead, by celebrating with joy.

Today, kids across the U.S.–and many other parts of the world–partake in some of the rituals that began in the Middle Ages, albeit a bit differently. Our modern Halloween still celebrates the harvest (pumpkins) and abundance of harvest (candy) and the dark side, or death (scary costumes and decorations).

So many people complain that we have no traditions left in our culture, so why rip on a 2,000-year-old holiday?

Is there anything more cheery than a pumpkin? The color screams HELLO FALL. With their shapes, bumps, and quirkiness, pumpkins exude character. And I just love ‘em. So finding the perfect pumpkin for me is finding one that might not quite fit in. I seek out the pumpkins with personality. Not the fat, rounded, “perfect” pumpkins that Martha always picks. Last year, I went for one with the lumps and bumps. (Which, I admit, was a pain in the ass to carve.) This year, I went for the squash-like pumpkin, with its misshapen figure.

Kinda like the pumpkin, er (spoiler alert) squash in the book The Ugly Pumpkin. Have you read it? It’s a great book that teaches us that looks may be deceiving. You know, don’t judge a pumpkin by its skin? The pumpkin in the book was ridiculed for not belonging. It was simply trying to find its place in the world. Turned out the pumpkin was not a pumpkin; it was a squash and fit in perfectly at the Thanksgiving table.

Maybe now you’ll seek out the ugly pumpkin (or squash) and give it a proper home for the season.