peskypippi.comBecause I have a lot to say…

I was given a very generous gift. A scarf.

Except. I’m not really a scarf-wearer. I’m more of a t-shirt-and-jeans wearer.

Coordinating work clothes puts me in a tizzy. What with the blouse, the cardigan, the skirt, the tights, the shoes, the accessories. It’s overwhelming to me.

But. I am thankful to receive presents.

So.

I consulted my fashionista 10-year-old daughter and even checked out a fashion website–http://www.refinery29.com/how-to-tie-a-scarf/–that details exactly how to wear a scarf. Did you know there’s a way to wear a scarf called The Neck Brace? And, yeah, when I checked myself in the mirror, I looked about as uncomfortable as someone wearing an actual neck brace. Stiff and awkward.

I tried the looping and the twisting and the wrapping. I paired my new lime green scarf with my black outfit, and headed into work. I walked into the meeting looking something like this.

It seems like it was just two months ago when I bought my 10-year-old daughter new shoes. Three new pairs in fact.

Say…it WAS just two months ago. And now she has outgrown them. “Can’t you just wear your basketball shoes to school?”

Apparently not.

My “lady girl” as I call her–is sized as a lady in clothes and shoes but is still the age of a girl–she’s tricky to shop for. She’s not ready for low-plunging necklines and low-waisted jeans. And oh the boots in her size. Thigh-high. High-heeled.

Off to the lady boot store we went. Let me tell you, when you outgrow your boots and it’s the end of January, it’s slim pickings…for an age-appropriate boot. She found the perfect pair. For a hooker.

We finally found a pair we both agreed on. No-heel, black suede with fringe…in her size!

She’s only 10 but her feet happen to be ginormous. Big feet on a woman = big brains. This I know. After all, my girl takes after her Mama.

The invitation said “potluck” and “boating attire.” And “family welcome.”

A work party. At a home on a lake.

I should have read between the lines. WORK. Home on a LAKE. BOATING ATTIRE. In other words: FANCY. Not: Slip on some waterproof Keen sandals, bring the watermelon, and the dolphin-print beach towels under the arms of three over-excited children.

Potluck? That’s easy. I would make my broccoli-bacon-curried-almond salad. It’s yummy and a crowd pleaser. I chopped and mixed and tossed it into a Tupperware container. Done.

Attire? That’s easy. I wore my new purple Faded Glory peasant top. I bought it for $12 at Walmart–what a deal! It was bright and cheerful. Pair it with jeans. And my waterproof turquoise Keen sandals, of course. Perfect for a lake party.

Grab the kids’ swimsuits and beach towels. And we’re set.

My three kids in tow. Me with my Keens and cheap peasant blouse–which was feeling a little tight in all the wrong places–I was looking Lesbian-Frumpy Mom, all in one.

We show up. Ding dong. Were the watermelon wedges starting to slide off the tray? Were the kids a little over eager? Er, maybe the giant plastic bowl of broccoli salad didn’t look so pleasing after all.

You’d think we stepped into a Hollywood party. Everyone was in crisp white shirts and khaki linen pants. Ah, boating attire. That’s what that meant. Hors d’oeuvres and a yacht. Not hot dogs and cannonballs. My bad.

I was Faded Glory amidst the Ann Taylor crowd.

Pools of sweat began to puddle in my armpits. I made room for my homemade salad and watermelon wedges on the buffet table, amidst the hummus, fresh mozzarella with basil drizzled in olive oil, prosciutto, and charcuterie fare. I should have put my salad in my fancy Pier 1 bowl. Even the broccoli salad–though colorful and yummy–was not appropriately dressed. Dude! My salad didn’t seem to fit in either.

Then…splash! In jumped my kids into the lake, splashing the khaki linen crowd. “MOM! Did you see that cannonball?!” they yelled.

I grinned.

Yeah, we know how to make a splash, all right.

I’m linking up with some amazing writers and bloggers at Yeah Write. Check them out!

It’s that time of year. When you take some jeans and you transform them into shorts, with a pair of scissors. As if denim shorts are rare.

I did that. It’s easy!

A few cuts and I had capris.

Then board shorts.

Cut. Cut.

Hiking shorts.

Nah, I want shorter shorts. What the heck. Summer is nearly here.

Snip. First one leg. Then the other.

Oops. Uneven.

A few more snips. Ooops. Still uneven.

Let’s even them out. Voila.

Whoopsidaisy. I was left a pair of jundies.

Pippi oogles the ladies at the Oscars. One of my favorite television events of the year…the Oscars! When watching, everyone is a judge. Including me. Check out my picks for best lookers…and worst:

• Milla Jovovich–I love the classic Hollywood look. And I’m buying that lipstick. I had the pause the TV when she came out.
• Penelope Cruz–A lovely vision in blue. So feminine.
• Emma Stone–She is the one to watch. What great skin. he’s lovely.
• Jessica Chastain–Sweetly elegant.
• Sandra Bullock–I didn’t love her dress, but her face and make-up: impeccable.
• Octavia Spencer–OK, her eyes are smoking!
• Michelle Williams–Love the pixie cut.
• Miss Piggy–Who doesn’t love Miss Piggy?

Worst dressed. Just one:

• Kelly Osbourne–What the hell is up with her hair? Is it lavender? Is it gray? Coral lipstick? Awful dress. Oh and take her fashion critic job away from her. She doesn’t deserve it.

Sure. Disregard comments from naysayers. And don’t listen to friends-who-aren’t-really-your-friends. But don’t discount your kids’ advice when it comes to fashion for Mom. They just might know what they are talking about.

After all, don’t children just want their Moms be their best and look their best? A confident mother who is pretty inside-and-out?

I listen. Here is what I’ve been told lately:

•  “Mom, you need to wear tighter jeans. Yours are too baggy.” Ah, the workouts just might be working. It’s important to show off your shape; not hide it. Time to go shopping.

• “Mom, that lipstick is too brown.” Good point. My skin has blue undertones, meaning berry and pinky reds are better for my skin tone.

• “Mom, don’t buy brown pants. They are ugly.” Indeed, khaki is great on safari, but not so great on me. Point well taken.

•  “Mom, I like you better with shorter hair. Your long hair made you look crazy.” Hmmm. Sometimes you don’t know if a compliment is a compliment or if is a rip. But, I’ll go with it. And maybe my shorter hair makes me sassier? Peskier?

• “Mom, that floral, peasant top is really ugly.” OK. Maybe I did think that prints help to camouflage, but maybe solids are indeed better for me. Plus, I am not a peasant.

•  “Mom, that sweater looks a little dorky.” Hmm. Maybe I was sporting a tired, old Mr.-Rogers’-Neighborhood-cardigan. Off to Goodwill it went. Hello, J. Lo sweater! (She will always be J. Lo to me.)

Kids are smart. Give them credit. Make some changes. Change is good.

I have got to clean out my closet. Today. I am not a hoarder (and oh, by the way, the A&E show Hoarders scares the freaking crap out of me).

Yikes refers to my taste in clothes. When I take a peek in my closet, I see I have made some poor purchasing decisions.

I have heard that you should keep the clothes you really love and the others: give away to charity. Looking through my closet, there’s not really much to love. I am feeling very generous today.

• What was I thinking when I purchased my tacky-ass-print-stretchy top with the capped sleeves? Did I think that the print would help camouflage some of the heft in the mid-section? Yes. Did I think capped sleeves are truly flattering? Yes. Wrong on both.
• What about Capri pants, cropped mid-calf? Fashion guides tell us that Capri pants are not flattering because they visually crop your leg, making your legs look stumpy. We need to elongate our legs; so next Spring, boycott those Capri pants that are on sale everywhere!
• How about the baby doll tops that I have purchased? So ugly, definitely not fit for a baby.
• Shoes? I’m good at buying shoes. They are not my problem. I own about 14 pairs. And most of them are sneakers. Oh and two pairs of boots.

It’s the outfits. I struggle with matching tops to bottoms.

Running late for work, what to wear? Quick, grab low-waisted, hip slacks and a button-down shirt. A working woman’s go-to uniform. Craptastic: the buttons are gaping open. Lately, I’ve started buying all grey clothing for work. Grey goes with black goes with white goes with navy. It’s like Garanimals.

And, then there the: how long should I save my clothes—you know, the ones that I-need-to-lose-10-lbs.-in-order-to-fit-in-these-clothes clothes? I save those. But if I need to lose more than 10 lbs., which I do, well, those clothes could be sitting around awhile. So off to Goodwill they will go. If I lose 20 lbs., I’m goin’ shopping!

Recycling. Just hoping there’s a woman out there who has worse taste than me. Because if there is, today is her lucky day.