peskypippi.comBecause I have a lot to say…

Who knew that my first open-mouthed kiss would be as a Freshman in high school, with a lanky boy with braces, who had just eaten peanut butter?

It all began when I was a Freshman in high school. Dating an older boy. It was raining. I remember the smell of his wet shoes. Big shoes with dirty laces. We started up a game of Monopoly at his house. Led Zeppelin was playing in the background.

Where were his parents? Who knows. We were latch-key kids. What had I told my mother about my whereabouts? Some lie.

What I was prepared for, was to win at Monopoly. My strategy is always to buy all of the oranges and reds and yellows–maybe even all of the railroads–and take over the game. What I wasn’t prepared for was that first real kiss.

Wet mouth. Slobber. Braces. Peanut butter.

It wasn’t what I expected. It wasn’t quite what I had hoped for.

I had been imagining that kiss for years. Even practiced on my arm. And in the mirror.

I had hoped for minty breath. Or cinnamon breath. I was gum-chewer (still am), always paranoid that my breath is “kissing ready.” I was picturing, in my romantic mind, that the kiss would go like this:

But the reality was more like smashing faces. Hitting teeth. And chin slobber. I was partly to blame. I was new at this. He was two years older.

What I couldn’t get over was that peanut butter smell. And the smell of rain-soaked shoes and clothes. They say smells bring you back to a memory.

Whenever I get a whiff of that peanut-butter-and-dank-shoes smell, I will forever remember my first make-out session as a blossoming teen.

What was your first real kiss like?

Jackass movies are hi-freaking-larious

And totally inappropriate. Their inappropriateness is what make them the perfect research for mothers of boys and wives of men.

What is it about the Jackass guys? They are fearless. They are funny. They are self-humiliating. They are physical. They are perennially naked. They don’t give a crap.

They are the ultimate boy men.

Watching makes me cackle, gasp, and gag. All at once.

I mean, who skates down a a hill with belt sander skates? Who does the limbo with an electric-shock bar? Who drives a runaway scooter, disguised as an old man, through city streets? Who dresses his penis in a mouse puppet costume?

Who sits on the toilet on display at the hardware store and takes a poop while reading the newspaper? Visiting the toilet display at Lowes or Home Depot will never be the same.

Oh and the guy strapped inside a porta-potty that is sling-shotted? That is probably the grossest thing I have ever witnessed. You gag and kinda throw up in your mouth. And then you kinda never want to visit a porta-potty again.