What a bitch!

She was condescending, spoiled, and hateful.

When my sister and I were young and acted hateful to each other (especially in the backseat of the car), my Dad used to tell us, “Don’t act ugly.” And I would promptly sneak in the last grimace: scrunching up my nose and sticking out my tongue, ala Nellie. She may have rocked the perfect pin curls and pretty bonnets…but she truly acted ugly.

Is it bullies? No.

Is it your teacher? No.

Is it your friends? No.

Is there something you don’t understand in class? No.

Hmmm. Turns out it was recess.

He didn’t want to play any of the games. No kick ball. No wall ball. No tag. No flag football. “None of my friends want to do what I want.”

“What do YOU want to do?”

“I want to walk around and talk.”

I pictured him meandering the playground with his pals, deep in conversation, “What’s tougher, a shark or a crocodile?” My advice to him was, “I bet one of your friends will hang out and talk with you at recess. You’re awesome!” I was trying to be supportive, even though I am a die-hard kickball fan.

However, I was overruled. My husband heard about this dilemma and instantly went into tough-love-Dad mode. I’ll summarize:

You WILL join in the recess games. Tomorrow. Watch and learn. Then the next day, join in. You’ll have a great time!

This father was encouraging his son to be confident. Pushing him to go beyond his comfort level. Reassuring that he could do it. And that he believed in him.

Great advice, Dad! Guess what?

Our son joined in the wall ball game the very next day. He now comes home from school sweaty, beaming, and confident. Sometimes, kids need a kick in the butt from their fathers.

Happy Father’s Day to all of the fathers who kick butt!

Hmmm. Good?

Is he talking about the two gallons of milk? Good dairy, rBST free.

Or maybe the five lbs. of spinach. Packed with antioxidants.

The 10 lbs. of raw almonds? Good protein.

Ah, maybe he’s talking about the box of navel oranges. Chock full of vitamin C. The hemp hearts? Or the chia seed?

As my son helped me unload the groceries, he was hopeful. Wishing for the tub of chocolate-covered almonds. The beef jerky. The jumbo muffins.

Not today. So, I’m afraid the answer to his question is no.

The other night, my husband changed the lightbulb in my son’s room and reached up, up, up to the high ceiling.

Down, down, down dropped the little knob that screws into the light fixture, to hold the glass in place. You know, the piece that looks like a nipple?

If it were any other room, it would have been a simple fix. But this was my eight-year-old son’s room. This was a Legos-all-over-the-floor room. The knob could be anywhere! We searched and searched and searched.

Did it camouflage itself as a Lego? Did it bounce up and into a toy bin? Did it roll under the bunk bed? It took us 15 minutes to find the stupid knob. And when I say us, I mean my husband and me. Because my son got distracted and built a space vehicle of some sort.

Turns out, the knob rolled into the Cat in the Hat hat. Of course, why didn’t I think of that?

Take, for example, when we were sitting on the plane en route to Hawaii. My oldest son asked me, “Hey Mom, do you want to watch a movie with me”

“Sure. You pick.”

Well, he picked Black Hawk Down. A total guy movie! But his offer was so sweet and he even offered to split the earphones with me. So, we watched together. This movie taught me a little about military combat and more importantly, taught me a little more about boys.

Through the years, as my oldest son has grown, he has taught me a lot. I now know 20 things more about:

1. Dinosaurs.
2. Construction vehicles.
3. Firetrucks.
4. Race cars.
5. Super heroes.
6. Frogs.
7. Water guns.
8. Sharks.
9. Legos.
10. Fart jokes.
11. Pirates.
12. Nerf guns.
13. Video games.
14. Baseball.
15. Lighting fireworks.
16. War facts.
17. Energy drinks.
18. Action movies.
19. Sports cars.
20. Airsoft guns.

The other day, my son made me a survival bracelet. Maybe it’s for me to survive what’s yet to come: manhood

When we vacationed in Hawaii recently, there was a little wedding chapel on the hotel premises. I chided my husband, “We should totally renew our vows!” He answered with, “I didn’t know our vows needed renewing.”

What a guy!

I thought it would be funny to take a picture of the two of us and morph it into the American Gothic painting. You know the Americana one with the farmer and his wife? They look a little weathered from work, domesticity, and life. I have to admit, sometimes after a long week and what not, we do kinda look like this! Work is draining. And domesticity gets a little much.

However. When we take a step back–like you do when examining an incredible piece of artwork–we are grateful for and blessed with the love, friendship, happiness, fun, and family that we have created in our 7,300 days of marriage. Whoa!

You may think: ah, ladies who lunch. And you may picture tablecloths, heels, and wine glasses.

Yeah, no.

This was ladies who lunch after playing soccer. Instead, picture sweaty women, clad in shin guards, eating chicken teriyaki–hold the rice!

And the conversation was equally enticing: parenting challenges, penises (enough said), and really, really fat people (you know, the ones your kids single out way too loudly in public?)

We were laughing so hard, tears were streaming down our cheeks.

Lunch. Girlfriends. Giggles. I highly recommend all three. Shin guards optional.

She gallops along the sidewalk (with no horse). Posters of Appaloosas and Pintos adorn her walls. My daughter wants to be a vet. So, really, this is like career training!

Plus, there’s this: the horse instructor answers her phone with, “Have a galloping great day!” How can you resist such good-natured enthusiasm?!

From what I’ve seen, horse girls are wholesome, kind, sweet, and grounded. Exactly the qualities I like to see in a ten-year-old girl. Or 13. Better sign her up through her teenager years.

Because sometimes the act of folding a mountain of laundry is unsurmountable.

Someone once offered me a friendly tip: “Why don’t you fold as you go? That’s what I do.” As in, fold the laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer. Wow, genius!

My friendly tip: when the mountain gets too high, go shopping.

We got to talking about food cravings. Morning sickness. If they were having a boy or a girl. I spouted, “If you had bad morning sickness, you’re probably having a girl. Girls make you sicker than boys.”

It was an old wives’ tale about pregnancy. Someone told it to me when I was pregnant, and I was simply repeating it. Here are 10 old wives’ tales about pregnancy.

An old wives’ tale is a type of urban legend, which is generally passed down by old wives to a younger generation.

Yikes! It just hit me! The realization that I have turned into one of those old wives.