Screw You, Martha Stewart


Posted by peskypippi | Posted in Celebrations, Fall, Family, Halloween, Holidays | Posted on 24-10-2012

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Oh, Martha.

Every year, I watch your Halloween specials where you create bats from black spray-painted clothespins, googly eyeballs from painted foam balls, spirited papier-mâché pumpkins, and stenciled votive candles. Your creations are magical.

Last Fall, we watched in awe at your creations. And the creative juices started to flow. We trekked to Michaels to load up on supplies.

  • Wooden clothespins
  • Foam balls
  • Tissue paper
  • Votive candle holders
  • Paint
  • Pipe cleaners
  • Craft glue

And a bunch of other crap that totaled $75.

We got home excited. Excited to create the wonders that you created, with such ease.


  • Spray painting outside in the wind is a bitch.
  • Where exactly do you PUT wet foam balls after you’ve painted them, so they can dry?
  • Doing papier-mâché in a wet climate means that your pumpkins will get yeast infections.

I opened up our Halloween bins from the attic and discovered last year’s unfinished craft projects. Three dozen black clothespins with no bat bodies, a pack of two dozen votive candles with no stencils, and half-painted eyeballs.

This collection of craft failures was a reminder that:

I suck at crafting.

There will be no pinning of my Martha-esque creations on Pinterest this year. Sigh.

But I staple-gunned eyeball lights across the front of the house. Stuck ghosts in the flower pots. Hung store-bought skeletons from the trees. Draped fake spider webs across the doorway. And displayed our 93 lbs. of pumpkins from the pumpkin patch.

My crafting abilities may suck, but my Halloween spirit?

It’s a good thing.

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Comments (2)

Well, the fact that you tried again is more proof of your eternal optimism. I failed miserably at helping my daughter make a turtle out of yarn and have since officially given up on everything remotely crafty… Halloween is my favorite holiday though so I’m glad you’re still decorating 🙂

Crafting is so tedious! I have no patience. But I do love to decorate for the holidays and I just love Halloween.

Have a great one!

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